What Do You Go For
by Mrs. Twelvetrees
Summary: It Ain't Half Hot Mum. The Royal Artillery Concert Party is getting a new dhobi wallah.
1. Dames

Just to show you what the title of this fic refers to:

_What do you go for_

_Gosee a show for_

_Tell the truth you go to see those beautiful dames_

_You spend your dough for_

_Bouquets that grow for_

_All those cute and cunning, young and beautiful dames_

_Dames, they're temporary flames to you_

_Dames, you can't recall their names do you_

_But their caresses and home addresses_

_Linger in your mem'ry of those beautiful dames_

from Dames (1934)

lyrics by Al Dubin

music by Harry Warren


	2. Dhobi Day

DISCLAIMER 

All characters from theIt Ain't Half Hot Mumseries belong to David Croft and Jimmy Perry. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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**What Do You Go For**

(set at any pointduring the first four series of It Ain't Half Hot Mum)

_I. Dhobi__Day_

(Royal Artillery Depot Deolali, outside on the parade ground; Rumzan the punkah-wallah is sitting outside the officers' quarters, punkah-ing, and Muhammed the char-wallah is polishing his char urn. Then Rangi the bearer arrives.)

Muhammed: "Salaam, Rangi!"

Rangi: "Ah, salaam, Muhammed! Ohohoho! Oh, deary me!"

(Rangi wiggles his head worriedly.)

Muhammed: "What is the matter Rangi? And why are you so late?"

Rangi: "I will tell you all about it." (clears his throat very disgustingly) "I was on my way to work, which is here, on my bicycle, isn't it? But then, some damn native was crossing road with his herd. Ohohoho! Whole road was blocked with cows, isn't it? So, I say to this man: 'What you think you are doing, you ignorant coolie!' And you know what he say?"

Muhammed: "He say: 'I am crossing road with my herd?'"

Rangi: "Aah, no. He say 'I am working.' So I say: 'How dare you! I am on my way to work for Royal Artillery Concert Party, which is most top-hole job in world!'"

Muhammed: "And what did he say then, Rangi?"

Rangi: "He say: 'You are no better than the British,' which made me very proud."

(Rangi wiggles his head contently.)

Muhammed: "But why are you so worried, Rangi?"

Rangi: "Aah. Because I am late, isn't it?"

Rumzan: (speaks a few sentences in Urdu) "…Sgt. Major sahib, guts for garters!"

Rangi: "Don't be Nosey Parker! And sit up straight when you are punkah-ing!" (to Muhammed again) "What is our glorious British Empire coming to with fellows like him?"

Sgt. Major: (very loudly) "BEARER!"

Rangi: "Oh, blimey."

(Sergeant Major Williams is standing in the middle of the parade ground, looking extremely angry. Ragi gazes at him, frightenedly.)

Sgt. Major: "Get over 'ere, bearer!"

Muhammed: (patting Rangi on the back) "Good luck, Rangi."

Sgt. Major: "I is waiting for you, bearer! Move yourself!"

Rangi: (whispering) "Yes, Sgt. Major sahib…"

(Rangi walks over to the Sgt. Major, who is positively red in the face with rage.)

Sgt. Major: "Bearer!"

Rangi: "Yes, Sgt. Major sahib?"

Sgt. Major: "SHUT UP!"

Rangi: "But sahib, you said…"

Sgt. Major: "Shut up! Bearer, you is late!"

Rangi: "Yes, sahib, but I can explain. There was this damn native…"

Sgt. Major: "Shut up! I does not want to hear no explanations! You is late, bearer! And you is not just late."

Rangi: "No, Sgt. Major sahib?"

Sgt. Major: "No, bearer. You is late on dhobi day!"

Rangi: (relieved) "Oh, but Sgt. Major sahib, dhobi-wallah is gone!"

Sgt. Major: (puzzled) "Gone?"

Rangi: "Yes, sahib. Dhobi-wallah stopped doing his dhobi here and went to place where business is better, in native village."

Sgt. Major: "What do you mean, where business is better!"

Rangi: "Sgt. Major sahib, people in native village want their dhobi washed more often than concert party, isn't it? So more work for dhobi-wallah there."

Sgt. Major: "Is you suggestin' the natives are more clean than the British (h)army!"

Rangi: (staring at the huge sweat marks all over the Sgt. Major's uniform) "Oh, no, sahib! Is just what dhobi-wallah told me, that ignorant coolie!"

Sgt. Major: "Bearer."

Rangi: "Yes, Sgt. Major sahib?"

Sgt. Major: "Find me a new dhobi-wallah! Jaldi, jaldi!"

Rangi: (running away through the parade ground gates) "Yes, Sgt. Major sahib!"

(The Sgt. Major turns towards the concert party's quarters and takes a deep breath.)

Sgt. Major: "CONCERT PARTY! GET ON PARADE!"

(The concert party comes stumbling out onto the parade ground, one by one with their arms full of green and kaki coloured laundry. They line up in front of the Sgt. Major.)

Sgt. Major: "At the double, at the double, move yourselves, move yourselves! I is waiting for you! Jaldi, jaldi! Left, right, left, right, halt! Stand at ease."

Graham: "Where are we supposed to put our laundry Sgt. Major?"

Sgt. Major: (mimicking Graham's posh accent) "Where are we supposed to put our laundry Sgt. Major?" (normal again) "Shut up! You is not supposed to put your laundry (h)anywhere, Mr La-di-da Gunner Graham!"

Sugden: "But it's dhobi day today, Sgt. Major…"

Sgt. Major: "Shut up! Very clever, lovely boy, but dhobi day is no dhobi day without no dhobi-wallah!"

Beaumont: (panicking) "There is no dhobi-wallah! How am I supposed to get the dress for my Ginger Rogers act clean by this evening? I'm a sensitive artist! How am I supposed to perform in this green hell!"

Sgt. Major: "SHUT UP! The bearer is out to find a new dhobi-wallah, so in the meantime, you can put your uniforms there, on the veranda, and we will do our morning drill."

Graham: "Drill? But we have nothing to wear, Sgt. Major. Do you expect us to do the drill dressed in nothing but our underwear?"

Sgt. Major: (mimicking Graham's posh accent) "Nothing to wear, Sgt. Major." (normal again) "Yes, lovely boys, you is doing the drill in your (h)underwear. What is the matter with you, Mr La-di-da Gunner Graham? Afraid you'll catch a cold?"

Graham:"No, Sgt. Major, but it's not appropriate, and it's the sun you see, we might get burned."

Sgt. Major: "SHUT UP! At the double! Left, right, left, right, left, right…"

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_...to be continued._


	3. Ohohoho!

DISCLAIMER 

All characters from the It Ain't Half Hot Mum series belong to David Croft and Jimmy Perry. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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_II.Ohohoho! _

(Outside on the parade ground; The members of the concert party are returning from their drill. The Sergeant Major walks onto the parade ground after them.)

Sgt. Major: "Left, right, left, right, left, right, at the double! Right wheel! About turn! Stand at ease."

(The concert party stand at ease, panting and clutching their chests.)

Beaumont: "Sgt. Major, can we please go and freshen up now? We have a to a show this evening…"

Sgt. Major: "Shut up! Yes, you may go. But, lovely boys, remember we is doin' a double drill tomorrow morning, and you is goin' to whitewash them stones around the (h)officers' quarters."

Sugden: "But why, Sgt. Major?"

Sgt. Major: "Because, Lofty boy, you is a bunch of poofs. And nothing is better for a bunch of poofs than doin' drills and whitewashing stones. It makes a man out of you."

(The concert party stare at Lofty in disbelief.)

Sgt. Major: "Or as close to a man as you'll ever get from being a fat little mushroom. Fall out, move yourselves!"

(The concert party fall out and disappear into their quarters. Rangi enters the parade ground, running.)

Rangi: "Sgt. Major sahib! Sgt. Major sahib!"

Sgt. Major: "Shut up! What does you think you is doin' bearer! You is not supposed to yell and run about on the parade ground what you 'as not been told to yell and run about on the parade ground. Depot orders clearly state…"

Rangi: "But sahib, I have found you new dhobi wallah!"

Sgt. Major: "SHUT…you 'ave found what?"

Rangi: "New dhobi wallah, sahib. Very good dhobi wallah, sahib."

Sgt. Major: "Well, that's very quick, bearer, well done."

Rangi: "Thank you, Sgt. Major sahib. Oh blimey, it makes me so proud when you say I've done well…ohohoho!"

Sgt. Major: "Shut up."

Rangi: "Yes, Sgt. Major sahib. Only one more thing, sahib, about new dhobi wallah."

Sgt. Major: (sighs) "Yes, what is it?"

Rangi: "New dhobi wallah is not dhobi wallah."

Sgt. Major: "What are you on about, bearer?"

Rangi: "Don't be cross, Sgt. Major sahib, only little problem is that she…"

Sgt. Major: "SHE!"

Rangi: "Oh, blimey…"

Sgt. Major: "SHUT UP! The new dhobi wallah is a native WOMAN!"

Rangi: "No, Sgt. Major sahib."

Sgt. Major: "Then why did you tell me that?"

Rangi: "Aah, but I did not tell you that, Sgt. Major sahib."

Sgt. Major: "You just said 'she'!"

Rangi: "Aah yes, Sgt. Major sahib, but she is not native woman, isn't it? She is British woman."

Sgt. Major: (exploding with anger) "WHAT!"

(Captain Ashwood enters from the Officers' Quarters.)

Ashwood: "I say, Sgt. Major, what is all this noise about? I'm trying to write a romantic letter to my wife, and all that shouting is rather disturbing."

Sgt. Major: "The bearer 'as just 'ired a British woman to do our laundry, sir."

Ashwood: "Has he?"

(Captain Ashwood looks at Rangi.)

Rangi: "Aah yes, Captain sahib. She is very…"

Sgt. Major: "SHUT UP! You speak when you're spoken to, bearer!"

Ashwood: "Now, look here, Sgt. Major. All this shouting is playing havoc with my nerves, I do wish you'd be a bit more subtle."

Sgt. Major: (looking extremely annoyed) "I'm sorry, sir."

Ashwood: "Now then, bearer. Tell me something about this whole dhobi business."

Rangi: "Thank you, Captain sahib." (clears his throat very disgustingly) "She is British woman who lives near village, isn't it? She used to help the native farmers negotiate with us British, but then she got sent away by ignorant coolies, who do not like us British, isn't it?"

Ashwood: "So she had nowhere to go and you offered her a job as our dhobi wallah? Well, I think that's jolly nice of you, bearer."

Rangi: "Thank you, Captain Ashwood sahib."

Ashwood: "You can go and bring her here, and we'll all have a nice chat and get to know each other."

Rangi: "Yes, Captain Ashwood sahib!"

(Rangi runs off and leaves the parade ground.)

Sgt. Major: (obviously very angry) "Permission to speak, sir?"

Ashwood: "Oh yes, of course. But no permission to shout. I've got very sensitive nerves, you know."

Sgt. Major: "Yes, sir. If you don't mind my saying so, sir, this is a disgrace."

Ashwood: "What on earth do you mean, Sgt. Major?"

Sgt. Major: "We can't 'ire a British woman to do our laundry, sir. It's not proper."

Ashwood: "Back in Britain, British women do our laundry all the time!"

Sgt. Major: "But not in India, sir, it's not…"

Ashwood: "Oh, don't be ridiculous, Sgt. Major, there is no difference between laundry in Britain and laundry in India. Except for a few sweaty stains…"

Sgt. Major: "But, sir, she's a deserter, she's on the side of the natives, helpin' them negotiate…"

Ashwood:"I don't want to hear another word about it, Sgt. Major, until we've actually met her. By Jove, I may be a bit of a silly arse now and then, but I can tell right from wrong, you know. Now, let's go inside the Officers' Quarters and wait for Rangi to bring her in."

Sgt. Major: (very reluctantly) "Yes, sir. But I 'ave to tell you, sir, I do not agree with that woman coming here."

Ashwood: "Just wait until you've met her, Sgt. Major. You can't judge people if you've never met them, you know."

(They enter the Officers' Quarters. Colonel Reynolds is sitting behind his desk. They salute him.)

Reynolds: "Ah, hello Ashwood, Sgt. Major. What was all that fuss about?"

Ashwood: "Oh, it'll all become clear to you in a minute, sir. Sit down , please, Sgt. Major."

(Ashwood sits down behind his desk, and the Sgt. Major pulls up a chair between the two desks.)

Sgt. Major: (still angry) "Thank you, sir."

(Reynolds, Ashwood and the Sgt. Major look at each other for a few seconds, not knowing what to say to each other. Rangi knocks on the door of the Officers' Quarters, and they look relieved. Rumzan sticks his head through the window and points at the door.)

Rumzan: (speaks a few sentences in Urdu) "…very nice legs. Ow!"

(Rumzan, who has obviously just been kicked by Rangi, falls down and disappears from the window.)

Rangi: (from outside) "How dare you! Don't be such Clever Dickie and sit up straight when you are punkah-ing!"

Reynolds: "You can come in now, bearer."

Rangi: (from outside) "Yes, Colonel sahib!"

(Rangi holds the door open as a woman in her mid-twenties enters, dressed in a pink cotton sari.)

Rangi: "Colonel sahib, Captain sahib, Sgt. Major sahib, this is new dhobi wallah."

(Reynolds gets up and shakes hands with her.)

Reynolds: "I'm Colonel Reynolds, welcome to the Royal Artillery Depot, Miss…erm…"

Anna: "Hastings, sir. Anna Hastings."

Reynolds: "Miss Hastings." (to Ashwood) "Come on, Ashwood, be a bit more polite."

Ashwood: "Oh yes, I'm sorry sir, I can be such a silly arse sometimes." (shakes hands with Mary) "I'm Captain Ashwood, jolly nice to meet you."

Anna: "Nice to meet you, sir."

Reynolds: "And this is Sgt. Major Williams."

(The Sgt. Major has been staring at Anna since the moment she came in, and continues to do so. They all stare back at him.)

Reynolds: "Sgt. Major?" (much louder) "Sgt. Major!"

(The Sgt. Major snaps out of his trance.)

Sgt. Major: "Oh, yes, I'm sorry, sir."

(He gets up and almost shyly shakes Anna's hand, blushing.)

Sgt. Major: (almost inaudibly) "How do you do, miss…"

Anna: "Very well, thank you, sir. It's nice to meet you."

(The camera turns towards Rangi in a close-up.)

Rangi: (to camera) "There is one very old Hindu proverb, which say 'Beautiful tiger is much more difficult to kill than ugly tiger,' isn't it?" (wiggles his head wisely)

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_...to be continued._


	4. And See A Show For

DISCLAIMER 

All characters from the It Ain't Half Hot Mum series belong to David Croft and Jimmy Perry. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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_III. And see a show for_

(Inside the Concert Party's Quarters; everyone is gathered around the piano, ready to sing.)

Beaumont: "Right, so let's have a go. Take it away, Paderewski!"

(Gunner Graham, plays the intro on the piano.)

All: (singing) "There'll be blue birds over the white cliffs of Dover…"

Beaumont: "Hang on, stop, stop!"

Sugden: "What's wrong, Gloria?"

Beaumont: "It's a mess! We can't do this song as one big choir, we'll need one lead singer who does Vera Lynn and the rest can do backing vocals or something."

Graham: "Just a minute Gloria, we can't let Lofty be the lead singer again, he's already doing three other songs practically on his own, as well as Land of Hope and Glory at the end. I think you should let the others do something as well, or just cancel this act."

Mackintosh: "Yeah, all I'm doing so far is my strong man act and standing about, dressed up as Ruby Keeler during the Dames number."

Parkins: "It's not fair to let Lofty do all those nice songs, I can sing too, you know."

Beaumont: "But Lofty has always been our lead singer! Suddenly everyone wants to be the producer! Well, I've got news for you: I'm the producer, sweethearts!"

Lofty: "I don't mind, Gloria…"

Beaumont: (hysterically) "I'm the bombardier and I decide who does what around here! I'm a sensitive artist, how am I supposed to work like this!"

(Beaumont runs out, the camera follows onto the parade ground. Beaumont leaves the ground through the gates, the camera stays. Reynolds and Ashwood, who don't notice Beaumont at all, are standing there.)

Reynolds: "So, Ashwood, I hear our new dhobi lady is at it right now."

Ashwood: "I beg your pardon, sir?"

Reynolds: "She's doing our laundry down by that little river."

Ashwood: "Ah, I see sir. Laundry. For a moment there, I thought you meant…"

Reynolds: "Oh, don't be such a silly arse, Ashwood."

(The Sgt. Major enters the parade ground.)

Ashwood: "Ah, Sgt. Major."

Sgt. Major: (saluting Reynolds and Ashwood) "Sir."

Ashwood: "I hear the new dhobi lady is at it right now."

Sgt. Major: (stunned) "At it, sir?"

Ashwood: "Washing."

Sgt. Major: (relieved) "Ah, of course, sir."

Reynolds: "So you got over this aversion against the idea of having a British lady do our laundry then, Sgt. Major?"

Sgt. Major: (looking at his feet) "Not completely, sir, but I think she's very erm…symphastatic, and we ought to give her a chance."

Reynolds: "Well, I must say I think that's very kind, Sgt. Major."

Ashwood: "Yes, jolly good."

Sgt. Major: "Thank you, sir. Now, if you don't mind I'm going to check what the char-wallah is up to and inspect his char urn, sir." (salutes them)

Reynold: "Very well, Sgt Major."

(The Sgt. Major leaves the parade ground. Cut to Anna, washing uniforms on some rocks by a jungle stream. Beaumont enters, looking distressed.)

Anna: (singing very beautifully) "There'll be blue birds over the white cliffs of Dover, tomorrow, just you wait and see…" (she sees Beaumont) "Hello, Bombardier."

Beaumont: (surprised) "Who are you?"

Anna: "I'm your new dhobi-wallah."

Beaumont: "Oh. Did you, erm…get the stains out of my Ginger Rogers dress? Blood stains are awfully hard to shift. I tripped over Parkins' ventriloquist dummy, he had left it lying about on the stage…they're a bunch of flipping amateurs…"

Anna: "Yes, I got them out! I just soaked it a bit longer than I usually would, and it looks fine now." (she picks up a blue dress from behind her) "Look."

Beaumont: (very happily) "Oh, thank you! Thank you so much!"

Anna: "You're welcome, it's nothing."

Beaumont: "Nothing? You just saved me, sweetheart!"

Anna: "So everything's okay for the show tonight?"

Beaumont: "Oh, I wish it were… I still have to decide on the Vera Lynn act…"

Anna: "Oh, I love Vera Lynn!" (starts singing again) "The shepherd will tend his sheep, the valley will bloom again…"

Beaumont: "Yes, she's marvellous, isn't she?"

Anna: "I hope you'll be able to solve whatever problems you have with the act. Can I come and watch you tonight?"

Beaumont: "Of course, sweetheart, we'd love that! I'll save you a good seat. But I must be off now. Bye!"

(Beaumont starts walking away from her.)

Anna: "Bye!" (starts singing again) "There'll be blue birds over the white cliffs of Dover…"

(Beaumont stops, finally realizing he has found the solution. Cut to the officers' quarters. Reynolds, Ashwood and the Sergeant Major are there.)

Ashwood: "So what you are saying, Sgt. Major, is that Bombardier Beaumont has put the new dhobi lady into the show?"

Sgt. Major: "That is correct, sir. And I do not agree with none of it."

Reynolds: "Oh, don't start all that again, Sgt. Major."

Sgt. Major: "With all due respect, sir, we 'ave never let the bearer or the char-wallah or the punkah-wallah join the show, so why would a dhobi-wallah be admitted?"

Ashwood: "Bombardier Beaumont has had an awfully hard time deciding on that Vera Lynn act. I think we should turn a blind eye this time, you know."

Sgt. Major: "But sir, I…"

Reynolds: "No, Sgt. Major, I agree with Captain Ashwood. The matted is closed. I don't know what your problem is with Anna, you've been acting very strangely ever since she arrived. But I don't want to hear anything else about this."

Sgt. Major: (agreeing reluctantly) "Sir."

(Someone knocks on the door. Rumzan sticks his head through the window again.)

Rumzan: (speaks a few sentences in Urdu) "…too good to be true. Ow!"

(Rumzan falls down and disappears from the window. Rangi has obviously kicked him again.)

Rangi: "Stop being rude, you damn fool! And sit up straight when you are punkah-ing!"

(Rangi and sticks his head through the window.)

Rangi: "Memsahib Anna is outside, Sgt. Major sahib."

Sgt. Major: "SHUT UP! You don't 'ave to stick your head through that window every time someone is outside! We already 'eard her knocking on the door!"

Rangi: "Yes, Sgt. Major sahib. I am now shut up." (he disappears)

Reynolds: "Come in!"

(Anna enters, carrying an enormous bedsheet on her back, filled with clean laundry. She puts it down on the floor and wipes a couple of wet strands of hair from her forehead with her wrist. The Sgt. Major snaps into his staring trance again.)

Anna: (taking a couple of neat stacks of laundry out of the big sheet) "Colonel Reynolds, Captain Ashwood, your clean uniforms and bedsheets."

Reynolds: "Splendid!"

Ashwood: "Oh, I say, that looks absolutely first class!"

Anna: (panting slightly) "Thank you very much, sir. Now, if you don't mind, I'll take the rest of the laundry to the concert party and the Sgt. Major's quarters."

Reynolds: "That's quite alright. You've done a wonderful job. Sgt. Major?" (no reply) "Sgt. Major!"

Sgt. Major: (snapping out of his trance again) "Sir?"

Reynolds: "Give Anna a hand with that heavy pile of laundry, I expect she has had a pretty rough day, doing a whole week's dhobi all at once."

Sgt. Major: "But, sir…"

Reynolds: "That's an order."

Sgt. Major: (reluctantly) "Yes, sir."

Ashwood: "Marvellous."

Anna: (picking up the bag of laundry and exiting) "Thank you, Sgt. Major, but there's really no need to…"

Sgt. Major: (following her onto the veranda, irritated) "Depot orders clearly state that warrant officers are not allowed to ignore orders from their superiors."

Anna: "But I'm fine, really, I can manage…"

Sgt. Major: (threateningly, holding out his hand) "Kindly hand over the bag, miss."

Anna: "But there's no need…"

Sgt. Major: (lifting her up angrily) "Right!"

(The Sgt. Major carries Anna, who looks utterly amazed and is still holding the sheet filled with dhobi, over to his quarters. He puts her down on the bed, unties the sheet, takes a big pile of laundry from it, runs over to the concert party's quarters and throws the laundry down on Beaumont's bed. Beaumont looks extremely surpised, but the Sgt. Major runs back to his quarters where Anna is still sitting on the bed, speechless.)

Sgt. Major: (calming down, but still panting angrily) "Right, I helped you. Now please give me my clean uniform and leave."

Anna: (getting up, looking distressed) "Whatever have I done wrong…"

Sgt. Major: (threateningly, pointing at the door) "Leave."

(Anna takes a step towards the door, then looks at the Sgt. Major and sits down on the bed again.)

Sgt. Major: "What do you think you're doing?"

Anna: "I'm not leaving until you explain to me what I have done wrong." (he moves towards her) "And don't pick me up and throw me out or I'll report you to Colonel Reynolds."

Sgt. Major: (stepping back and calming down, but still angry) "How dare you…"

Anna: "Shut up." (he looks surprised) "Now, _please_, sit down and tell me why you hate me so much."

Sgt. Major: (sitting down next to her, staring at his hands, calmly) "I don't."

Anna: (confused) "Don't what?"

Sgt. Major: "I don't hate you." (hesitantly) "It's…more like the…opposite."

Anna: (stares at him silently for a few seconds, then realizing) "Oh , I see… I'm sorry."

Sgt. Major: (still staring at his hands) "No need to be."

Anna: (getting up, a bit confused) "Well, I'll leave then." (he nods to his hands, she puts her hand on his shoulder) "Will you do me a favour, please, Sgt. Major?"

Sgt. Major: (finally looking at her, sighing) "Name it."

Anna: "Come and watch the show tonight?"

Sgt. Major: (pause) "I'd love to."

(Anna nods and exits. The Sgt. Major stares after her. Musical interruption: Muhammed the char-wallah singing 'Everytime we say goodbye'.)

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_...to be continued._


	5. Tell the Truth

DISCLAIMER 

All characters from theIt Ain't Half Hot Mumseries belong to David Croft and Jimmy Perry. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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_IV. Tell the truth_

(Evening, backstage during the show; Rangi is standing by the ropes of the curtains, in the background Lofty is on the stage singing Gentlemen Rankers. Anna enters in a long red dress, looking extremely beautiful and extremely nervous.)

Anna: "Oh, Rangi, _bohot kharaabi_…"

Rangi: "Oh deary me, memsahib. You look as if waterbuffalo has just sat down on your _chapaati_, isn't it?"

Anna: "Oh, it's much worse than that. I'm just so nervous..."

Rangi: "Do not worry, memsahib, you have beautiful voice. And you look totally enchanting. "

Anna: "Oh thanks, Rangi. That's very sweet of you. And I have told you before: don't call me memsahib, just call me Anna."

Rangi: "Oh, I would never do that, memsahib. I have much respect for the British." (clears his throat very disgustingly) "And especially you I would not call by your first name, memsahib."

Anna: "Why not?"

Rangi: "I am sorry, memsahib. But in India, Anna sounds very cheap, isn't it?"

Anna: (laughing) "You're absolutely right, Rangi. Oh, dear! I'm on!"

Beaumont: (on stage) "…our own Vera Lynn!"

Rangi: "Oh, my godfathers! _Jao_, memsahib! _Jaldi_!"

(Cut to stage. The curtains are closed while Graham plays the intro to White Cliffs of Dover. Then the curtains open and Anna is on stage, singing. Cut to Reynolds, Ashwood and the Sgt. Major in the audience.)

Reynolds: "I say, she's marvellous, isn't she? What do you think, Ashwood?"

Ashwood: "I think she's absolutely first class, sir. Besides, it's nice to have a real woman on the show for once. I had almost forgotten what they look like."

Reynolds: "Yes, I quite agree. By Jove, Ashwood, these are jolly difficult times. Another pink gin?"

Ashwood: "Thank you very much, sir. What do you think Sgt. Major?"

Sgt. Major: (keeping his eyes on the stage) "Sir?"

Ashwood: "What do you think of our dhobi wallah there on stage?"

Sgt. Major: (dreamily) "She's very…very…"

Ashwood: "Yes, so she is. Very."

(The song comes to an end. The audience cheers and applauds, and Reynolds, Ashwood and the Sgt. Major all stand up and applaud too. Anna bows on stage and the curtain closes. Cut to backstage. Anna is entering from the stage.)

Rangi: "Ohohoho! Memsahib, you were wonderful!"

Anna: (hugging Rangi) "Thank you, Rangi!"

(All the members of the concert party crowd around, praising her.)

Beaumont: "You were magnificent, sweetheart! An example to all these flipping amateurs here."

Lofty: "We should do a duet some time!"

Anna: "Thanks, everyone. I'd love to do a duet, Lofty. It would be an honour. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to change into my own clothes and get to my _charpai_. There'll be lots of _dhobi_ waiting for me again in the morning. Goodnight."

(Musical interruption: Muhammed the char-wallah singing 'There's no business like showbusiness'.)

(Inside Anna's quarters; Anna is sitting on her bed, dabbing at her face with a piece of wet cloth, getting the last of her make-up of. Cut to outside on the paradeground; it is dark, and Reynolds, Ashwood and the Sgt. Major have just arrived from the show.)

Reynolds: "Well, Ashwood, what did you think of the show?"

Ashwood: "Oh, absolutely first class, sir. They were all wonderful. Especially the dhobi wallah as Vera Lynn. She was very…" (his voice gets all squeaky) "Very…don't you agree, Sgt. Major?"

Sgt. Major: (wiggling his moustache a bit) "Oh, yes, sir. Very."

Reynolds: (slightly embarassed) "Yes, well, jolly good. Goodnight then."

Ashwood: "Goodnight, sir. Goodnight, Sgt. Major."

Sgt. Major: "Goodnight, Colonel Reynolds, Captain Ashwood."

(They salute each other. Reynolds and Ashwood disappear into the Officers' Quarters. The Sgt. Major walks over to his quarters, then hesitates and looks at Anna's door next to it. He sighs, sits down on the veranda and lights a cigarette. Anna's door opens behind him and Anna comes out onto the veranda as well.)

Anna: "What did you think of the show then?"

Sgt. Major: (nervously) "Oh, it's you…" (pause) "I thought you were marvellous."

Anna: "Thank you."

Sgt. Major: (long awkward pause) "Cigarette?"

Anna: "No, thank you, I don't smoke."

Sgt. Major: "Cup of char?"

Anna: "I think Muhammed left about an hour ago."

Sgt. Major: (embarassed, quietly) "Why can't I do anything right?"

Anna: (putting her hand on his shoulder again) "You can."

(They look at each other. The Sgt. Major moves towards Anna very slowly and kisses her. Rangi arrives on the parade ground and notices them.)

Rangi: "Oh, blimey!"

(The Sgt. Major and Anna break away from each other. The Sgt. Major gets up off the veranda.)

Anna: (awkwardly) "Well, I'll be off then. Goodnight."

(Anna disappears into her quarters.)

Sgt. Major: (starting to get angry) "Bearer…"

Rangi: "Yes, Sgt. Major sahib?"

Sgt. Major: "You didn't see anything, _maloom_?"

Rangi: "_Achchha_, Sgt. Major sahib."

Sgt. Major: "Good."

Rangi: "Oh yes, Sgt. Major sahib. I did not see anything. It is very dark on parade ground, isn't it? Which is why I could not see very well, isn't it?"

Sgt. Major: "Right."

Rangi: "Only that you were doing naughty things with memsahib Anna."

Sgt. Major: "Yes…no! Shut up! You did not see that, do you hear me!"

Rangi: "Oh, but Sgt. Major sahib, it is all so romantic, it brings tears to my eyes."

Sgt. Major: "Shut up."

Rangi: (dabbing at his eyes with a cloth) "_Achchha_, Sgt. Major sahib."

(Rangi walks over to his bike and exits with it. The Sgt. Major knocks on Anna's door.)

Anna: (from inside) "Enter."

(The Sgt. Major enters. Inside Anna's quarters; Anna has just finished tying a large sheet around the dirty dhobi and puts it next to the door, ready to be washed tomorrow.)

Sgt. Major: "Sorry about that… That stupid bearer…"

Anna: (putting her arms around his neck) "Don't call him stupid. I like him, he's nice."

Sgt. Major: (whispering) "Alright."

(He puts his arms around her and kisses her again, then pushes her onto the bed. As she starts to unbutton his uniform, he suddenly gets up.)

Anna: "What…"

Sgt. Major: (interrupting) "I would love to stay but…I think I should go to back to my _baseyra_…"

Anna: "You're right. I have to get up early anyway tomorrow, with all this _dhobi_."

Sgt. Major: "And I have prickly heat inspection to do tomorrow, and drills, and…well, good night."

Anna: "Goodnight."

(She kisses him on the cheek, the Sgt. Major exits. Cut to the Sgt. Major outside on the veranda, disappearing into his quarters. Musical interruption: Muhammed the char-wallah singing 'Night and Day'.)

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_...to be continued._


	6. You go to see those beautiful dames

DISCLAIMER 

All characters from the It Ain't Half Hot Mum series belong to David Croft and Jimmy Perry. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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_V. You go to see those beautiful dames_

(The parade ground, early morning; Rangi, Muhammed and Rumzan are on the veranda of the officers' quarters.)

Muhammed: "Ohohoho, Rangi! Is it really true?"

Rangi: "Ah! Memsahib Anna and Sgt. Major sahib. I saw it with my own eyes, isn't it?"

Rumzan: (speaks a few sentences in Urdu) "…dirty old bastard."

Rangi: (kicking Rumzan) "How dare you? Don't be such ignorant coolie and sit up straight when you are punkah-ing!"

Muhammed: "But Rangi, do you think this is good idea? Memsahib Anna is such nice lady, and Sgt. Major sahib is such awful man!"

Rangi: "You know, Muhammed, there is one very old Hindu proverb which say: 'When friendly deer gets along with nasty cobra, it is not in the monkey's interest to disturb them,' isn't it?" (wiggles his head wisely)

Muhammed: "This is very true. But do you think they are really in love?"

Rangi: "Ah! This is different than ladies Sgt. Major sahib used to visit in sleazy cafés, isn't it?"

Muhammed: "How do you know, Rangi?"

Rangi: "Because, when Sgt. Major sahib talks to memsahib Anna, his knees go all wobbly, isn't it?"

Muhammed: "Ohohoho! And memsahib Anna, does she love him too?"

Rumzan: (speaks a few sentences in Urdu) "…far too good for him."

Rangi: (to Rumzan) "Go and pull you punkah, you damn lovesick native!"

(Anna emerges from her quarters, carrying a large sheet full of _dhobi_.)

Rangi: "Oh, blimey!"

Anna: "Goodmorning, everyone."

Rangi: "Goodmorning, memsahib."

(The Sgt. Major walks onto the parade ground.)

Sgt. Major: "Get on paraaaaaade! Prickly heat inspection! Get in line, get in line! Move yourselves, move yourselves!"

(As the concert party runs onto the parade ground, the Sgt. Major notices Anna, Rangi, Muhammed and Rumzan on the veranda. He walks over to them.)

Sgt. Major: "Now many times do I have to tell you that only punkah-wallahs can use this veranda?! Bearer, stop hanging about 'ere! (to Muhammed) And you, get your filthy char urn off my parade ground, jaldi, jaldi!"

Rangi/Muhammed: (moving away) "Yes, Sergeant Major sahib."

Anna: (angrily) "And what about me?"

Rangi: (leaving with Muhammed) "Oh, deary me!"

(The concert party watch them.)

Sgt. Major: "What do you mean?"

Anna: "Why don't you shout at _me_? Why don't you tell _me_ to leave?"

Sgt. Major: "Because…because…" (to concert party) "Look to your front!"

(The concert party look to their front.)

Sgt. Major: "Because…"

Rumzan: (speaks a few sentences in Urdu) "…cat got your tongue."

Sgt. Major: "Shut up!"

Anna: "If I had been a native, would you have shouted at me then?"

(Awkward silence.)

Anna: "I see."

(Anna starts to head for the gates with her _dhobi_, but the Sgt. Major comes after her, grabs her arm and pulls her back onto the veranda.)

Anna: (annoyed) "What…"

Sgt. Major: (opening the door to his quarters) "Get in 'ere."

(Inside the Sgt. Major's quarters; Anna throws the _dhobi_ down on the ground and turns to face the Sgt. Major, who closes the door.)

Sgt. Major: "What the 'ell was that about?!"

Anna: "Rangi is the one who got me this job, and Muhammed is a very nice person. I hate to see them being treated like this!"

Sgt. Major: "They're servants!"

Anna: "I'm one of the servants too, so why don't you shout at _me_ then?"

Sgt. Major: "You're…"

Anna: "…not a native?"

Sgt. Major: "India belongs to Britain! We are the ones in charge 'ere!"

Anna: "And so you just treat the natives like filth? They're nice people! I've been in India for a long time now, and I see natives being treated like this everywhere. I thought I was used to it, but somehow it seems worse to me when it's you who does it."

Sgt. Major: "And why is that?"

Anna: "Because I…like you. Very much." (pause) "But it can't go on like this. I'm leaving."

(Anna picks up her dhobi.)

Anna: "I'll leave this in my _baseyra_, and I'll make sure you'll have a new dhobi-wallah by this afternoon. I know a lot of people who need jobs."

(They move closer to each other.)

Sgt. Major: "You don't have to leave…"

Anna: "Yes, I do. I wish I didn't, but I do."

Sgt. Major: (taking her hands) "Will I see you again?"

Anna: "Maybe."

(She drops the _dhobi_, puts her arms around him, and they kiss. After a few seconds they break away from each other. Anna picks up the _dhobi_ again. Her eyes are wet. She moves towards the door.)

Anna: (wiping her eyes) "Well, I'll be leaving then."

(Anna opens the door, and Rangi and Muhammed come falling into the room, obviously having just been eavesdropping. Rumzan puts his head around the corner.)

Rumzan: (speaks a few sentences in Urdu) "Ohohoho…tears to my eyes."

Sgt. Major: "Shut…" (looks at Anna, who is smiling, and calms down) "Never mind."

Anna: "Bye, Rumzan. Bye, Muhammed. Bye, Rangi." (she hugs Rangi; to Sgt. Major) "Bye…"

(Anna walks onto the parade ground and shakes hands with the concert party, and with Colonel Reynolds and Captain Ashwood. Then she leaves through the gates while everyone stares after her. The camera turns towards Rangi in a close-up.)

Rangi: (to camera) "There is one very old Hindu proverb, which say 'Delicate butterfly cannot live in stormy weather,' isn't it?" (wiggles his head wisely)


End file.
